- Vancouver is the kind of still and quiet that lets you catch your breath. The streets are wider than I remembered, and more clean. I haven’t seen anyone walking down the street with a plastic cup of beer. The trees are so brightly green they look toxic. Everyone in Starbucks smiles too widely; the cashier at the pharmacy initiates a ten-minute conversation.
- Everything in my life is getting more and more queer. It’s all loose racer-back tanks and wiry arms, black tattoos and grown-out mullets. I feel anxious about conforming to this queer aesthetic and it’s like a weirdly backwards version of high school: less makeup, shorter hair, cutoffs, as much sex as possible.
- My Vancouver friends are uniquely so incredible- gorgeous, cool, involved, passionate- that their combined prowess is close to overwhelming. Visiting Vancouver in mid-August means flying directly into a tight-knit world of art shows, ink, community organizing, collective houses, punk shows, make-outs, and radical style. Knowing these people makes me feel both heart-warmed and a little off-kilter; I can’t shake the feeling that I need to try harder, keep amassing stories and successes so that I can stay afloat.
- This summer- even just these past two months- have been the most full-of-everything in a long time: redefinitions, new style, new friends, learning to be more flexible, working hard, putting theory into practice. I have been stretching myself in all directions, despite the fact that, in moments, all I want to do is find a big hole somewhere, and hide there for a while.
- My horoscope says that my “future is about to reveal more of itself.” I’ve been reading horoscopes now that I’m single; it helps to take things one week at a time. My favourites horoscopes are big, extravagant: something, or someone, will alter the course of your life forever.
- This list is only a little bit honest.
Really do just find a big hole somewhere and hide there for a while if you need to.
But Leigh-Anne, if I don’t go to every single radical queer dance party I won’t be cooooooooooooooool.
There will always be more radical queer dance parties. And if not, we can always start the trend again later.
This is the kind of amazing, transformative summer that people long for. I’m a bit envious.
P.S. – Your writing is beautiful.
It’s funny how the things we’re most afraid of can be the most transformative of all.
How has your summer been? Any chance of a hangout before school starts up again?
Clearly not *as* transformative as I had hoped. I haven’t yet had my Summer of Change that I wish for every year, but I semi-experienced being a “real person” through a mental health policy internship, and I gained so much insight from the incredible women I trained with at San Francisco Women Against Rape . I think you’d like them; they’re a led-by women of color org that provides a comprehensive range of services, and they also focus on five communities that are especially vulnerable to sexual violence here: marginally housed or homeless women, Latina immigrant women, formerly incarcerated women, young women age 20 and under, and trans and queer women of color. I’m hoping to do some knowledge-sharing with SACOMSS.
I know exactly what you mean about all the events happening in Vancouver (I went to a taiko performance during the Queer Arts Festival). I want to return, and I was just there last week!
I’ll be free and in Montreal Aug. 26-30, so a hangout is a yes!
vshanti, I discovered you and your sensible and beautiful writing in Dear John, I love Jane. I finally got to your blog and from the look of things, I think I’ll be spending much time reading it!
If you feel like it, don’t hesitate to read mine: http://www.newlydyke.blogspot.com
Enjoy the rest of the summer!
NewlyDyke
Aw, shucks. Thanks for reading, NewlyDyke (and great username, by the way). I’ll definitely be checking out your blog as well! Let’s keep in touch!
Vancouver is a wonderful place. And I agree with #2. Especially when so much of the aesthetic conformation is permanent (tattoos) or possibly forever body-changing (piercings). it is a test of how much one really wants to belong, I suppose.
What part of it do you agree with, Westwood? The “As much sex as possible” part? hahaha
Ooh, how exciting to see a new post by you, Vanessa! Vancouver sounds *even* more amazing when you describe it here.
I really, really like this line because it’s sweet and funny and honest: “it’s like a weirdly backwards version of high school: less makeup, shorter hair, cutoffs, as much sex as possible.” (It’s even more amusing when you switch around the nouns and adjectives.
I’m so glad your summer has been all this and more and I hope your autumn proves just as good (although I might wear another layer under those cutoffs eventually for when it starts getting cold… 
)
I have to agree with NewlyDyke about ‘Dear John, I Love Jane.” It’s not quite the very situation I’m going through right now, as you know, but the whole tone and spirit of the book has been so powerful and positive for me right now, too.
So, if I may ask, what are your hopes/expectations/etc. for the fall and winter now that you’re back in Montreal?